If I just shake this pregnancy test, it will then say not pregnant I tell myself in my dorm bathroom. There's no way, I am not ready, I am just learning how to be an adult! Nope there it was as clear as day.... pregnant. Something I now know women try so hard for, shed so many tears for yet my 19-year-old brain just couldn't let go of the selfish part of everything that I would be losing. I was so unaware of the world that would be changing before my eyes.
Waiting at the doctor's office nope defiantly was pregnant and everything was progressing normally and beautifully on its own. Something looking back I was I would have lifted my body up instead of stewing in the worries that were rolling around in my head. If you are newly pregnant, younger than what you were intending it's ok to take a minute and feel all of those feelings. Life will and has forever been changed. I knew I always wanted to be a mom. I wanted kids lots of them. I just had a plan; this wasn't the plan I thought for the hundredth time that day. I was so sick. So miserable, and so confused. But now I knew it was this baby and me.
I thought I knew what I was having during that 20-week ultrasound. I was so sure,
that would say little girl and Natalie (the name I had chosen) and I would be living our best life. The tech asked if we wanted to know the gender "Of course! Only crazy people don't want to know" "Congrats on your little boy. He is due December 21." My world stopped for the second time in five months. You see gender disappointment is a thing! You aren't alone if you felt it before. Something I have learned it doesn't even determine how you will be as a mom. The older me can see that now. That version of me couldn't. I knew I loved what I know was him. Never could I have comprehended exactly how much this surprise would be exactly what I needed to change the entire course of my life. One lesson I learned though all of the first half of my first pregnancy, that the best thing in life are suprises. They bring you joy, happiness you didn't even know that you were missing.
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