Have you ever heard the saying "you can't have a rainbow without the storm"? I have, and I used to think nothing of it. Just yeah...I guess that's true. But I never thought the storm could break my soul. I never thought that storm would happen to me. I never thought that storm would come in way of second round infertility.
But it did, remember with Superman I was a young mom. If you want to know an age, I had him at the age of 20. When we decided on baby number two, I was only 22. Let the just sit there for a minute. Only 22, most 22 year olds are still doing the single thing. But we really wanted to expand our family. We got Implanon out, and decided to start trying. We got pregnant within a couple months. We were both so excited, that it never occurred to us what the other outcomes could be something other then a healthy baby. So we told our families right away.... Not saying that was a mistake but man guys when the blood came and we were told it was just an empty sack, those phone calls hurt to make. Miscarriage number one was in the books and I was so shocked. In memory of that baby "Painful to remember, impossible to forget" tattoo came.
Six months later another positive pregnancy test came. With a little more apprehension, we told just our parents. Superman was still so little that it didn't even phase him. During this time we were experiencing our first move from Germany to Idaho. I was nervous that flying would kill the baby. I had been so sure that it was something I was doing. We made the trip, even had a mini wedding celebration with my family. Got to Idaho and I started to panic. I wasn't sick anymore I knew. I just knew that in my head we had lost this one too. That night we went to the on base urgent care doc when I had spotting again. They told us there was nothing to do and just go home. They didn't ultrasound nothing. When more blood came Monday, we called the OB. During that visit we found that baby's heartbeat stopped around that same time we were celebrating with my family.
To be fair this part of our storm destroyed me. We were celebrating with our family and my body still couldn't keep this baby alive. Shocking as an Active-Duty military member they weren't too keen on figuring out why we were miscarrying. This one of the roughest times in my marriage. I will say it out loud now. I felt like I had failed him, failed me, that God surely wasn't listening. I wasn't the best mom, wife, or worker. December came along with you guessed it...another positive test. Along with another loss. I was trying to find any answer I could with what seemed to be very little help from medical staff. Until there were two OBs on base that at this point were willing to start looking into anything on why we were experiencing this at my age.
Time came and went My Other Half left for his first deployment at our new base. Only for me to find out that once again yes it was positive. So, in I went to see the ultrasound. The baby had a heartbeat! Life in my eyes was looking brighter as the weeks went on and we had bi-weekly appointments. Everything progressed great and they scheduled my first second trimester on for my birthday. What a cool gift that was going to be, to put all of this behind me. Went into the doctors that morning. For Doctor D. to walk in all chipper and as we were talking, she scanned my belly, and I could see the face. I am a pro at the face by now. "I am sorry, but it looks like the baby's heart stopped beating this morning." My world came to screeching halt, and shattered. Leaving I was so broken, trying to get a call down range to say it happened again didn't happen for 11 hours. I remember that call, I can tell you exactly where I was standing when I did. My body wouldn't let go of this baby; it wanted it just as much as I had. So, 7 days later I went by myself to have our baby removed. I remember coming out of surgery looking at the doctor telling her she was the reason I didn't have my baby anymore. The days and weeks that followed depression grabbed hold until I felt like there was no way out. Two things happened within a matter of days that changed the course of the next couple. Doctor D. called and said my baby was a little girl, who suffered from Turners Syndrome and there was nothing that I could have done to prevent this loss. I have always picked out names early on so to hear that Gemma was not my fault gave me hope. Number two was my boss at the fitness center looked at me and said the best way to kick depressions a** was to work out till I couldn't get up.
That deployment by far was the worst one to date. There was arguing, fighting, and a very broken wife at the other end. I was determined to pick myself because Superman he was 4 now, he could tell on days mom was sad. So, I worked out, and I loved the crap out of him, I learned how to piece my new very broken self-back together. When My Other Half came home, we worked on us. He helped me learn more about Turners Syndrome. We chose to not try for a baby for a while. I just couldn't go back. Not with how far I had come. December came and I remember feeling super sick. I took the test and a positive came. And I wasn't joyful. I was terrified. Doctor D started me on hormones right away. Putting no faith in they would work I took them anyways. The days seemed to go on forever, weeks passed slowly. First trimester came and went, along with the second. By the third I was thinking that maybe God did hear the prayers that I had been sending up for the last three years. August came along with a very stubborn rainbow baby.
She my miracle, the reason why nine years later I still tear up. See tragedy doesn't leave you. You never get over loosing that baby. I will never tell you that you will forget it. Or that one day you won't remember. Because you're a mom, and you will always remember. Just one day you too will be able to talk about that baby and honor them with out breaking down. But if this still new for you..cry it's ok. If your people don't understand. Know that somewhere out there is a mom who knows exactly how you just need to cry. Be strong mama, and I hope your rainbows come fast.
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